maanantai 2. heinäkuuta 2012

The moment when you stop dreaming

So I tried to apply into a school where I could learn more about game developing. There was two degrees in Kajaani, but I could only go for other degree's entrance examination. Choises were game industry and game technology, and since I thought it would be easier to get into game industry, I chose that. I had to choose because the exams were on two separate days, and there's a 5-6 hour trip from my home town to Kajaani.

I also threw an application to Oulu and Joensuu, which also had degrees involving some sort of game development. However Kajaani had a degree pretty much completely dedicated for game industry/technology so I wanted there the most.

And so came the day of the exam. The place was completely crammed. Apparently every single class room got used. In other words the changes of me getting in got pretty slim, how could I be one of the 40 lucky ones out of hundred others? How could I be better than most of those people? After all, these guys aren't randomly applying to this school, they're really interested about it and want to develop games. They must have some experience about it too.

Still, I did the exam and I thought it went well. I can't say for sure as I have no idea how it actually went. After that I just had no choise but to wait for this day.

Now I checked who got accepted.

I hadn't been accepted into any of the schools I tried to get into.

That feeling was just horrible. Sure I knew that my changes were slim, I'm not smart, my C++ skills aren't anything special, my math skills are lacking and there was so many others trying to get in, and most of them probably had better education, better skills and more experience.

I was told that my lack of skills wouldn't be a problem, because they would teach everything to me in school anyway. Well, if I can't even get to the school, how will I learn?

So the obvious question is: what now? There is a change some people have to refuse or just delay the start of school by a year (because of military service for example), leaving an empty place for this year, and soon I can apply to these places and see if I get lucky. Of course I could try again next year, but just waiting would make me a big burden to my parents (seriously, 20 and still living with his parents), especially when I can find a temporary job from this town so rarely.

I have a girlfriend now, and someday she may be my wife and I'm responsible of taking care of her. I would have to get a job, be it something that I would hate doing. For years I've been thinking that I wouldn't do a job I don't like doing, but if my skills aren't enough for my dreams and for what I want, I don't really have a choise. As of now I may even have to consider moving somewhere else, find a job and just wait for her to get her studies through.

Of course, my game development hobby won't end, in fact, it may be better I don't get into the industry. Like this I'm free to do the kind of games I want. So even though I most likely won't become a game developer, I will keep coding and drawing and writing, making games. Cold Wave won't die because of this.

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